Sunday Review: True Blood S5 Premiere

*Full spoilers for each episode herein!

Fuck like a champion, get captured like a pussy

Season 5 opening episode, and my isn’t the paint really starting to come off the wagon…


  • Lafayette continues to have the snappiest comebacks of any character, in this show or any other. Boy needs to get a new agent and start getting work on projects that will really showcase his acting talents.
  • Tony Bellefleur appears to have been working out over season break. Not too shabby.
  • The spectre of Russel Edgington’s return is looming large and I for one welcome our (re)new(ed) vampire overlord!
  • Eric and Bill’s thawing relations. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a bromance yet, but may their upcoming roadtrip be filled with wry homoerotic shenanigans!


  • You know how Game of Thrones kills everyone you love? True Blood has the opposite problem. Tara isn’t quite dead, and the emotionally intriguing bomb her death would have set off is now a damp fizz of boredom. Pam’s reaction to the whole situation is reliably priceless thank goodness.
  • Jason is dumb, but even glamoured he’s not so dumb as to blindly accept the romantic proposals bestowed upon him by a guy who tried to kill him and several people he is quite attached to (props to Ryan Kwanten for actually selling that mess as more plausible than it really is!). And if Rev. Newlin ever glamours Jason into having sex with him, HBO and I are going to have a frank discussion about sexual assault and just why it’s not a titillating joke or storyline frivolity.
  • Au-thor-ity. Say it with me: Au-thor-ity. See how it has three syllables? In True Blood-land this word only has two and it’s really starting to get on my tits. (Stephen Moyer gets a pass on this as he’s an Englishman clearly struggling with every aspect of the southern accent, not just this one. Everyone else needs to get their shit together though.)
  • The entire warewolf storyline needs to wind up, like ASAP. Their tit-for-tat bullshit is tedious as fuck but I have no doubt we’ll be forced to endure it for many an episode yet as it’s currently filling most of the nakedness quota (although I have to question even that when Joe Manganiello has his shirt on more often than not- he wasn’t hired for his acting ability guys,why do you insist on making do the heavy lifting in dramatic scenes?)
  • Eric’s ‘sister’. Only she’s not a true sister, they just have the same sire- so when they make out and have sex it’s not gross, its sexy! Lol no HBO, True Blood may be tacky but even it can’t sink to near Dexter-levels of incest and maintain any semblance of credibility. Cut that shit out.

Chris Meloni better right this ship. Don’t let the death of SUV have been in vain!

Rated: 2 fairy fuckin’ vaginas out of 5


1 Comment

Filed under News- TV, Review

One response to “Sunday Review: True Blood S5 Premiere

  1. Pingback: Sunday Review: True Blood S5.2 | Neon Dreams

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